i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
