explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
