I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
