I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
