There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
