Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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