bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
