Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
