The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
