Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I AM VODKA MAN
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
