how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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