She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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