Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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