Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize