i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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