also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
