i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
