Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
