I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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