You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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