I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
