So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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