i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
