I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
