he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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