these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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