just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
