i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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