The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
