I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
