haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
