Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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