at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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