its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
