so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
