the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
