Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
