Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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