I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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