Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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