atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
