Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
