I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
