At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
