Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
