I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
