she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
