my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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