CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
