I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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