i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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