Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
