I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
