An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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