"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
