hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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