she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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